Here I Stand

Here I stand a 44 year old single Mother of two teenagers. This journey of mine has been a journey of many miles. Miles of treacherous terrains and glorious downward spirals. I say glorious because the destination has yet to unfold. Everyday a new beginning yet still a sense of never getting it done. What is "it?" What is it that I can never get done? Life. It is road that has not been traveled and a road that is in need of desperate repair. Some moments I feel utterly stuck and at a crossroad feeling scared to go down any road before me. Other days I want to run down the path of the unknown and feel the bliss of the unexpected wonders at the end. Yet my fear keeps me where I am standing. Afraid to move forward but easily looking back attempting to understand how I arrived here in the first place. I look into the mirror at my reflection and see a body that has given birth and wrinkles from the years gone by. I am proud and I am honored to have created life within me yet I look at my reflection and wonder what else is there? I have lived out the dream of what we all believe is ideal. Marriage, children and a home. Life to me is like peeling an onion with its many layers only to reveal that it stinks all the way through yet you keep peeling in hopes that the crying eventually goes away and you finally have clarity. There are those moments when you are flying high as if nothing can pull you down and just like that the wind shifts and your standing looking down at the broken pieces. What I am learning to do is pick up those pieces and create a stronger and lighter me. Perhaps I will make sense of it all before I die or perhaps I am never meant to actually get "it" done within this lifetime. For now I shall take one step at a time.